Chapter 247) Cheaper By The Dozen

“Grandparents are a family’s greatest treasure, the founders of a loving legacy, The greatest storytellers, the keepers of traditions that linger on in cherished memory. Grandparents are the family’s strong foundation. Their very special love sets them apart. Through happiness and sorrow, through their special love and caring, grandparents keep a family close at heart.” 

— Unknown

Del Sol Valley
Cameron Mansion

Sitting at the dining room table going over some music his son Chase had composed and asked him to review, Blaine suddenly felt watched. Looking up, he noticed his grandson Nicholas staring at him.

“Want an autograph or am I wearing something of yours, kid? Sit that butt down and say what you need or go play. We’re not raising little creepy stalkers here. At least not on purpose.”

“I have to ask you a question, grampa. It’s important. Like VERY important!” Nick said with great importance, while sliding onto the chair across from Blaine.

Blaine exhaled, leaned back and looked at his grandson.

“All ears. What can I do ya for, my little buddy?”

“Can you play ‘Teardrops on my Guitar’ by Taylor Swift? Like with lyrics and all, grampa? I am thinking maybe some pyrotechnics too, like mom had on her last tour. That was awesome.”

“Can: probably. Will: HELL no. And unless I am getting paid the big bucks for it, the only pyrotechnics I am springing for are a couple sparklers, especially for those tunes. Why?”

“Can and would my mommy, you think?”

“Again kid, she probably can, but why the heck would she? Your mommy’s songs are much better. As are mine, shameless plug here. But if you are looking for pop music, your mom’s your girl. What is this about?”

“Okay, grampa, there is this girl in my class, she is a big Taylor Swift fan and said that you and mommy are not as good as her. I told her she wouldn’t know good if it bit her in the butt, and that I am gonna show her what good really means in a way that she’d never forget.”

“Whoa whoa whoa – wait a minute, back that truck up, kid. How old are you again?”

“Seven.”

“That’s what I thought, just making sure you didn’t turn 17 overnight. Is this gonna turn into one of those kissing talks now? In that case I am gonna hand you off to your mommy. And where did you learn to talk like that?!”

“EEEW! No, grandpa. I don’t want to kiss a girl. Especially not THAT one! Eeew! Blech! BARF! And I learned that from you. You always sound cool, I wanted to sound cool too. I think I did, cos her mouth was open when I mic dropped it out of there.”

“Holy crap! All right, just making sure, since you are a Cameron. And don’t give me that grossed out BS kiddo. You kiss plenty of girls. You mommy, aunties, grandmas, great-grandmas, …”

“Yeah, but they are all old. That doesn’t count.”

“I would not repeat that around them if you want to see your 8th birthday. So why do we need to howl bubble gum pop all of a sudden to one-up some unkissable ‘blech’ girl in your class?”

“Because I told her she was stupid, and you and mommy were much better and can play all her songs but even better! Now she wants proof. You HAVE to help a brother out, grampa.”

“Help a … what? Where the heck didcha pick that up now, kid?!” Blaine chuckled.

“From you.” Nick shrugged.

Blaine couldn’t help himself and burst into laughter.

“Oh dear lord, help me. You lil sponge you! Look Nick, since we are already having a man to man talk here, and I am desperate to change the topic, are you okay, little man? About your mommy and daddy splitting up and living in different towns and all? You know mommy and daddy both love you very much and will never stop, even if they one day may meet new people, maybe even marry them and maybe have another baby then. But you never have to worry if that happens, okay?” Blaine seized the opportunity to lay the groundwork for Vivien and Liam for whenever they wanted to tell their son about Lana and her pregnancy.

“Sure. Not worried. I know you and grandma have dozens of kids, and I know you love them all, so …”

“What? We don’t have dozens of kids! Whatcha talking about, Nick?”

“Daddy always says ‘Blaine and his dozens of kids…’, so ….”

“Let me interrupt you right there. Your daddy is gonna get a spanking by me, next time I see him. But you are a big boy. You know numbers. Let’s count my kids, shall we? There is your mommy, who’s our oldest – one. Uncle Blake is the second oldest – two. Then uncle Chase -“

“WRONG!”

“What? No, I am not wrong. Chase it my third oldest …”

“You forgot Auntie Celeste – three. Then uncle Chase – four.”

“Oh. Well, yeah, but see, your grandma and I didn’t actually make Aunt Celeste, someone else did and your grandma and I just … ahem …”

“How do you make a baby? And why didn’t you make her yourself then? You obviously know how to.”

“Ugh – SHOOT ME NOW! You know what, Nick, okay … Aunt Celeste – three. Uncle Chase – four. Auntie Caitlin – five … and then the twins, six and seven, I guess. But in reality, it’s only six kids. Seven is just to not have to argue with you little stinker.”

“And uncle Heath. Eight.”

“Heath is NOT your uncle. Heath is a little pain in my ass. Then again, so is Cait and I gotta claim her. Fine we’ll count the little fucker, too, if it makes your day better. Uncle Heath – eight. But still actually only six, we’ll go with eight to make you happy. Still not twelve, though.”

“But then there is daddy, and Mila, and Hailey …”

“Nicholas. They’re not my kids! Hailey hasn’t even been Cameron’ed yet, even though we all know that’s just a matter of time. But I am not claiming them as mine!”

“Do too! You always say ‘son-in-law’ and ‘daughter-in-law’ and soooo …. nine, ten and eleven. Almost a dozen. Oh, and then there are Reed, Sheridan and I, we are your grandKIDS, so also kids and that makes twelve, thirteen and fourteen. BAM! See, daddy was right!”

“URGH! You are your parents’ kid! Good grief! I feel like I am talking to your mommy and/or daddy when they were your age. Couldn’t get a word in edgewise with them and their logic was baffling and as subtle as a ton of bricks!”

“Well, duh of course I am my mommy and daddy’s kid. Do we have to go over that now too, grampa?”

“NO!”

“Okay, so, can you sing that song, or do I ask mommy?”

“You know what, Nicholas, my brain aches now, your mommy looks much better in a blonde wig than I do, she already does this whole pop music thing, so you run along and ask her.”

“Okay.”

Chuckling, while shaking his head, Blaine watched his grandson run off.

Scarlett appeared behind him.

“What’s so funny?”

“Our grandson just may have caused me to lose what little was left of my sanity and inspired me to get a vasectomy.”

“Oh yeah? You mean, since that worked so well for Liam.”

“Are you looking for a fight, woman?”

Giggling, Scarlett kissed him.

“Blaine, baby, face it – for us, there is only one reliable way to guarantee no more surprise kids. Maybe two or three ways, and you wouldn’t like any of them.”

“Ah yeah? What would that be? Come sit on Blainey’s lap and tell me all about it.”

“One: complete abstinence.”

“Fuck that. What else ya got?”

“Two: get your balls removed.”

“NEXT!”

“Three: Your lil swimmers are too eager to succeed, no matter how much birth control we use. I don’t even want to imagine the number of pregnancies I would have had, if I had both ovaries still. So, all you can do would be to divorce me and find someone less fertile than me.”

“That will NEVER EVER happen. You are stuck with me, Letty! I rather have a bunch more kids with you and listen to you threaten me with the worst things while you are hatching my next creation and then later deal with all their bullshit too. I need my balls to hit the deep notes in my songs, I don’t want no other chick and nobody would want to be around me if I were cut off from nookie! No Snickers in the world would fix my grumpy ass then. We’re gonna have to roll with the punches, one diaper at a time.”

“Funny you should say that ….”

“Oh, hell the fuck no! Come on, Letty! Don’t do me like that! Look me in the eye and tell me you are not pregnant! Please say you’re not. We both need a break for a while longer.”

“Relax, just messing with you. Your face was priceless though. So worth it!”

“You’re evil.”

“You love it.”

“I do, and I feel like you need to be punished for scaring me like that. Let’s at least get the two current diaper-shitters into grade school before we even as much as joke about unleashing the next batch. Let’s not jinx it.”

Into their following make out session, Caitlin and her shadow Heath appeared.

“Mom, dad! Can you come please? We have a situation. Fallon just pulled down her diapers and poopied on the basketball court where Heath and I were playing, Blythe saw it and puked, and now it’s super-gross. I am so not cleaning that up and the maid already left for the day.”

Blaine and Scarlett exchanged glances, then burst into loud laughter.