Chapter 449) The Edge of Chaos

“Our real discoveries come from chaos, from going to the place that looks wrong and stupid and foolish.”

― Chuck Palahniuk

Windenburg
Near the Carrington residence

The kiss ended with a sweet little moan on her part, as she nestled her face against Connor’s chest. Her expression showed pure bliss of young love, while his reflected worry and doubt.

“You are the prince of my dreams …” swooned Lexie into Connor’s shoulder.

“Ahem … Lexie … there is something I have been meaning to talk to you about.” he said.

She straightened up, her smile lessened.

“Nothing bad I hope?”

“Umm … not bad per se, I think, but something big. Really big.” he told her.

“You know, I have been meaning to talk to you about something really big too. You first.”

“No, ladies first, please. I insist.” he forced a smile.

He really wanted to hear what she had to say first, to better gauge which mindset she was in and also to give himself more time to weigh off how to lay his revelation on her.

“Okay. You know I love you and I want to be with you, all the time. I also know my dad is an acquired taste and while I kinda was gonna live at home until I am done with my residency, I want alone time with you more, immerse myself in our love, so I think it’s time to move on. I know you living at home isn’t ideal for us either, so I was thinking we could find a sweet little house together … just you and I? Can you imagine? You and I, alone, in our little happy home? Painting and remodeling, making it fully ours? Planning for our future while snuggled up together, neither of us having to go home because we ARE home. Doesn’t that sound absolutely dreamy, Connor?” she spoke faster and faster for excitement, reminding Connor of a TV ad for new home buyers.

Connor had to keep from gasping.
For many reasons. First of all, because of his inner conflict regarding Keira. Secondly, because a house together was what he and Keira had … before his whole world was turned upside down. Thirdly, because he knew he wasn’t ready for any of that. Not again, not with her, maybe not ever. Not even close. It made him feel guilty. His face reflected his inner chaos, which didn’t go unnoticed by Lexie.

“Oh no! You hate the idea!” Lexie looked destroyed and hurt.

“No, that’s not it. Umm … it’s a … it makes sense.”

“But?” she stared at him tensely.

“But … there is something about me that complicates matters.”

“Are you … sick? Like … something … serious?” she looked worried.

“Oh no, no, that’s not it. It’s …”

“You have a kid with someone else?” she kept checking the classic marks.

“WHAT? No .. I don’t have kids.”

“Oh, so you can’t have kids? Is that it? Are you … sterile? That’s okay, we can adopt or something. There are ways.” she said.

“What? No, I don’t think I am … sterile …” Connor was shocked kids even came up, realizing Lexie was most definitely way farther invested in their relationship than he was able to be.

“Then what is it, Connor?” she looked at him, clearly tense and impatient.

“Lexie, I am not a regular man. I am a … I am … I am a vampire.”

“What?” she looked at him, her face changing from disbelief to amusement to surprise to a variety of other emotions until it remained at something Connor could only describe as appalled.

“Yes, I .. I am sorry for not telling you sooner.” he told her.

“You can’t be serious! No, I would have noticed something by now. You ate food with me many times. We take our coffee breaks together at the hospital. You are out here with me in the brightest daylight. If you were what you say you are, you’d be a pile of ashes by now! This is NOT funny, Connor!” Lexie was clearly annoyed by his perceived prank.

“I am not trying to be. I am serious about that. There are a lot of daywalkers like me. Sunlight is only dangerous to fresh turns and the very impaired, injured. Most of what you think you know about my kind is nothing but fiction and mythology.”

“When did this happen? How could I have missed it? Why didn’t you say anything? Maybe we could have still … fixed it.” she rambled on.

“Lexie, this isn’t new, nor a defect that requires ‘fixing’. I have always been THIS, since birth. It’s just a … condition … causing me and those like me to have a few special requirements to sustain ourselves, but I can live an almost normal life. We can hide or control a lot of the things that set us apart. As a matter of fact, it is in my kind’s best interest to not become notorious. We want to blend in. Fit in.”

Lexie looked horrified and disgusted at the same time, and that very expression burned itself deep into Connor’s mind.

“You can’t be. No, I don’t believe you. It cannot be. No way. Nope. You are just being silly. And if you are not having me on, then maybe you need professional help, for schizophrenia or something. You are not THAT. I would have noticed.” Lexie was in complete denial.

Connor opened his mouth, revealing his fangs, pointing at them, then clicking his fingernail against them, producing a very telltale sound.

“Oh my God! Oh my God!” Lexie kept repeating, while breathing heavily.

Connor tried to assist her, calm her down, stop her panic attack.

“You’re hyperventilating, Lexie. Try to take calm breaths …” he reached for her.

She pushed his hands off her and stepped backwards.

“Don’t touch me! Get away from me! Don’t come closer!” she screeched.

Connor felt horrible, watching her spiral out of control for panic, as she now turned around and ran off.

He felt as if he were falling into a deep hole, while Lexie ran from him, stumbling, falling to her hands and knees, scrambling up while looking back at him, horrified, like a scene from a low budget indie horror movie. His worst fears were coming to life right before his eyes. She saw him as a monster. Just like those parents back in high school had. Monster.

His instinct was to stop her, to calm her, so with vampire speed he reached her, pulled her along with him out of view trying to calm her panic attack, but she screamed, as she was flailing her arms, punching and kicking him to no avail in his strong hold making him feel even more like a monster.

“HEEEEEELP! Get away from me! Let go! Nooo! HELP! HEEEEEEEEELLLPPP!”

Connor covered her mouth with his hand. He knew what he had to do.

Brindleton Bay
Wright Residence

Keira nearly fainted when Mr. Wright, Josh’s father, came into view with Connor in front of him at gunpoint.

She let out a surprised scream.

“CONNOR! Oh my God! Bob, take that gun off him!” she shrieked, running to Connor right away, stepping over the low fence as quickly as her heeled boots and short dress would allow, then stared down the barrel of Josh’s father’s shotgun defiantly, shielding Connor, while Josh, still on the other side of the fence looked on, utterly confused.

His father snorted disapprovingly.

“Guess he was telling the truth after all. Found him creeping around our bushes, so my long-barreled friend here and I went to greet him. Says he knows you and needed to speak to you urgently. Thought he was some stalker, I mean, you young kids all use those cellphones all the time now, no need to crawl through bushes. Your parents failed you son. You and society!”

“Sorry about him, Bob, he’s definitely not a stalker. He and I grew up together. He’s just … going through some stuff and acts a bit strange sometimes.” Keira tried to calm the mood.

“I am not strange, you’re not answering your damn phone, Keira!” Connor grumbled at her.

Josh interfered.

“Ah yeah, thanks dad I got it from here. It’s fine, I know him too. Connor’s okay.” Josh called out, his father lowered the gun and put on the safety, shaking his head, then headed back inside.

Connor grabbed Keira now.

“We have to talk. It is very urgent and very important. Have you told Josh yet? The thing … the … you know … difference?”

“Connor what the hell is with you today?”

“Sorry Josh, I have to take her with me. Super-urgent! You’re a cool guy, really sorry, but Keira and I gotta go now. She’ll call you!” Connor said frantically, trying to drag Keira with him, unsuccessfully, as she dug in her heels, pushing his grip off herself.

“Connor – STOP! What is wrong with you?!”

“I’ll explain, but not here! Let’s go.”

Josh called out again.

“You know what, guys? I’ll give you two some space. We’ll just talk tomorrow, Keira.” Josh gave Connor a strange look, then Keira, before he went inside.

Once they were alone, Keira turned to Connor.

“Seriously now?!”

“Keira, it couldn’t wait. I fucked up again. It was awful. So fucking awful!” Connor looked as if he would cry, then turned from her.

“Connor? You’re scaring me. What happened?” Keira was genuinely concerned now.

She walked around him to face him, then pulled him into a hug. He didn’t fight it, on the contrary, he hugged her back right away, nearly clinging to her, then started talking.

“All hell broke loose, that’s what. You know how they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. I told her, Keke. I fucking told her, and you were right. She couldn’t handle it. She freaked out so bad. It was so very bad. So bad. I never felt more like a monster. She looked at me as if I were everything those creepy, bloodthirsty, vicious vampires in the movies are, only worse. As if I just murdered a dozen babies, puppies and kittens for sport right in front of her. She feared me, Keke! Total fear!”

“Oh my God, no. Connor I am so sorry.”

“It was awful! She ran, totally hysterical. I couldn’t risk letting her go into her house and tell everyone. So, I caught her, tried to compel her, but it was a total fail, I had NO idea what the hell I was doing, so it didn’t work, she just got even more hysterical. All I could do that that point was hold on to her, hand on mouth like a fucking rapist or something, while I called Caelan. My parents weren’t answering their phones, they were at a school recital with the twins. I knew Caelan the creep would know exactly what to do. My God it was so horrible! I really felt like a monster.”

“Caelan? He didn’t …” Keira’s eyes grew wide.

“What?! No! Oh my God no! She’s fine. Alive, well, mortal. He just compelled her. He’s one of the best with compulsion, he wanted to make her forget me completely, but I told him that’s no good, because we work together and our colleagues knew she and I were going out, her family has met me. So, instead he compelled her to forget everything about vampires. When he was done, she looked so helpless and confused, she was scared, but couldn’t remember why, so she latched on to me to protect her. I couldn’t stop thinking about the fear I had seen in her eyes when I told her the truth about me. So, I asked Caelan to fix that too, make her not want me anymore, cos I don’t think I could ever be close with her after the way it all went down. So, Caelan in his Caelan-way shrugged, and before I knew it I got slapped so hard I thought my head would fly off, got cussed out in a way that would make a sailor blush, barely prevented a swift kick into my groin, while Caelan was literally falling over laughing so hard I thought he’d implode. Lexie stormed off, totally furious with me, after which Caelan enlightened me. He compelled her to think I cheated on her and that we broke up because of it. Isn’t that the biggest irony now? Exactly what I wanted to avoid. I never wanted her to know I screwed up and screwed around on her, but I did want her to know I am a vamp. Instead, she knows NOTHING about vampires anymore, but knows I am a cheater. URGH. Kill me now. That will be a wonderful work atmosphere now. By mid-week the entire hospital will know I can’t keep it in my pants, but at least I don’t have a village mob after me with pitchforks to kill the fanged creature – me.” Connor told her sadly.

Keira just pulled him into a tight embrace.

“I am sorry Con-Bear. Really sorry.”

“I came to see you right after to warn you not to tell Josh. Your dad said you went on a date with him, so I called and texted but you didn’t answer. I didn’t know his address, but I remember hearing you talk to my mom about his parents’ cute house in Brindleton Bay by the big fields, so I just crept through a bunch of yards, peeking into windows, cos apparently scary, weird, creep is now my brand. I am not too late, right?”

“I forgot my phone on the charger at home. And no. You’re not too late for that. But you did burst in at the worst possible moment. Right into the rough part of a very sad talk.”

Connor listened, processed, stiffened, then pulled away to look at Keira.

“You broke up?”

She nodded.

“Why?”

“The things you said about us cheating and it not being fair. It didn’t feel like cheating to me when you and I did it, just felt …. right …. but your words kept resounding in my head and I realized you were right. You and I, we were absolutely cheating on our new partners. That’s not how our parents raised us, that is not who I am, nor who I want to be. I am ashamed of myself, so I told Josh that I had sex with another man. You were right, he did think we were a lot more serious than I did. He was VERY upset and hurt. He broke up with me just before you joined us. Gawd, I feel like trash now.”

“Yeah, aren’t we quite the pair. Trash-girl and creepy-monster-dude.” he wrapped his arm around her shoulder, she laid her head against his shoulder.

Keira couldn’t help bursting into a little giggle, shocked at first, Connor broke a faint smirk too.

“One day, I swear, we’re gonna remember this and won’t be able to stop laughing. Not tonight though, but at the core, this would be fuckin’ hilarious, if it weren’t also so very sad. Wow, we’re a mess, Connor. We used to be so normal, all things considered, and look at us now. There is literally NOTHING normal in our lives anymore. We need to get out of here. Let’s just leave. I’ll text Josh an apology later.”

Once they reached the street at the front of the Wright’s home, both looked around.

“Keira, where is your dad’s car?”

“At home. Josh picked me up. Where’s yours?”

“I took an Uber. In case you haven’t noticed, I am not in the best mindset and thought if I drove tonight it would end in disaster.”

“Please tell me you somehow mastered the porting while I was away?”

“Nope. You?”

“I did nothing related to vampires except feed when I had to and only because I had to. Can you call us an Uber?”

“My phone died on the way over. You call.” Connor countered.

“I can’t. I just told you, I don’t have my phone. I forgot it at home on the charger.”

Both let out deep sighs, then turned to the Wright’s front door.

“I hate myself so very very very very very very very very much …” Keira said while going to ring the doorbell.

Newcrest
The Malton

Thirty minutes later both waved after Josh’s departing car while standing in front of Keira’s home.

“Yeah, you were right, Josh really is a very decent guy. Maybe I should look into dating him.” Connor remarked dryly.

“Glad you find this amusing. The entire drive over I was dying for humiliation, having to ask the sweetest guy who just broke up with me after I confessed to cheating on him which he definitely didn’t deserve, to drive us home. And – of course – he did. The entire ride over here I was simmering in the backseat wondering if he knows? That … you are the other guy I mean.”

“Oh, yeah he knows. I was feeling the same way as you, Keira. I mean that is next level rogue, sleeping with another man’s girl and then having him drive you home, because you’re a dumbass. I was watching him watching us. Yeah, he definitely put two and two together.”

They turned and started heading towards her door.

“Man, Connor. Just when I thought my life couldn’t get any more screwed up.”

“Ha, same. Guess there is always one more level worse.”

“You wanna come inside? Purely friendly invite. My parents and lil brother are home.”

“Appreciate the offer, don’t take this personal, but I need to go home. I am completely exhausted mentally. I cannot do any more thinking or talking to people trying to be social tonight or I swear I will snap.”

“Yeah, same. Call me tomorrow? Just so I know you’re okay?”

“Sounds good. Look Keira, I have been thinking too. We need to figure something out. The way things have been going between us needs to stop. I tried, and realized that cutting you out of my life isn’t gonna work. I am still hurt by what you did, and I still need more time to really get over it, but fact is that our parents have been best friends since before we existed, we just can’t avoid each other, not to mention all the history you and I have. I am also your Sire-Master, by vampire laws I am obligated to teach you and train you. On that note and after my drama today, you and I will learn all the things we need as vampires, especially compulsion and porting. I obviously don’t know how to do it, means I can’t teach you, so we both need to go for training at the castle, together. Even aside from that fact, I can’t avoid you, nor you me, even if we were to move out, we both are simply too close with our parents and with each other’s parents cos they raised us as well. So, we need to figure out how to fix whatever is broken between us enough to at least be able to be truly civil with each other, without either starting verbal showdowns or start screwing. Neither is healthy at this point, not to mention completely out of character for both of us, we’re just not like that. We both need to sit down and get a chance to REALLY talk and REALLY listen. Calmly. And then figure out how we can at least be friends again, cos if I realized one thing today it’s that we have to be friends. My very first instinct in the face of complete turmoil was to find you and warn you and your first instinct when someone aimed a shotgun at me was to shield me. I don’t know what will happen to us, I don’t know where you and I will ultimately end up on that relationship scale, but you and I need to be friends. We both fall apart without the other.”

“I’d love that! And I agree on all counts. Thank you, Con-Bear. That’s what I have been wanting us to do since I got back. I know we can’t just go right back into being a couple. I also know there is a chance we will NEVER be a couple again, despite the very obvious magnetism, affection and attraction. And I also know that I am to blame for that. But I need you in my life. I know there will be a long road ahead to make you trust me again, but I will do anything and everything in my power to prove to you that you can trust me, still. We got this, Connor. We’ll figure it out. Somehow.”

“Yeah. Night Keke.”

Smiling faintly, he started to walk off.

“Hey Connor, should I be walking you home? For safety reasons considering what a train wreck your day has been?” Kiera giggled which turned into laughter when without turning to her he raised his hand to flip her off.

“Fuck you, Keke.”

“Yeah, you to, Con-Bear. Nighty night.” she giggled.