Chapter 539) Forgiven, Not Forgotten

Windenburg
New Downtown area
'Sophie's Thyme' Restaurant

Loud clinking of metal on metal and metal on China, bubbling of water, cabinet doors opened and slammed shut, voices yelling information, requests and commands, along with the sizzling of foods and running of water. Typical sounds of a commercial kitchen. Along with the harried hands and busy bodies buzzing about, it was clear this place was busy.

“CHEF?! There’s a guy up front here to see you!”

“What does he want? Who is it?! Health Inspector?” Sophie sounded annoyed.

“Didn’t want to say what he wants, but said he’s your husband.”

Sophie froze in mid-stir, her eyes widened, as her head snapped at the speaker, one of her waitresses.

“WHAT?! Okay. Thanks Ember. Can someone take over the bechamel sauce for me? And I need the two dishes walking ASAP, they are losing degrees by the second! We are still proving ourselves, we can’t afford to be anything less than perfect!”

“On it, chef!”

Sophie wiped her hands on her apron and peeked through the reach-thru window into the dining area, when she saw him. A flash of heat washed over her, and she hurried over to the entrance to meet him.

“Stryker!” she exclaimed.

“Hey, I hope this is okay, if not, just say it and I’ll go. I know I am not dressed right, I didn’t expect it to be so fancy. There was a party at Connor’s a week or so ago and I overheard Hailey talk about your grand opening being a great success a few weeks back and I wanted to come sooner, but Connor had his hands full. I meant to bring you flowers but I forgot to have Connor make a stop and then he already disappeared again. I was kinda nervous, that’s why I forgot, not because I didn’t think it was important.”

“Don’t worry about flowers, it’s…. sweet and yeah, it’s okay you came. I would have invited you to the grand opening but … you know … it was kind of a big party and we served alcohol, a lot of it, and my entire family was there and I thought exposing you to all that might be too much …”

“That’s fine and you’re right, all that would be a bit too much for everyone involved. I know there is no way your family isn’t mad at me, and I just recently worked my stamina up enough to be up and on my legs for longer than an hour. You did it. You really did it, Soph! I am so proud of you. Place looks great. What is this, five stars?”

“Heavens no, we’re still waiting for one. Went ambitious and are trying to get to at least two. But we just opened a few weeks ago and it’s only so amazing because Esmée let me have this space for a steal. She owns the property, but she dissolved Cameron Enterprises. All this space here used to be a cafe and office space. Sorry, I am rambling. Anyway, I am here, everyone helped, Ezzy’s husband Michael and his son did most of the remodeling, we found most of the equipment and furnishings at going-out-business sales and reupholstered and painted it all … I am rambling again. You wanna eat? Can you eat? I mean, last time I really spend any time with you you couldn’t eat.”

“I can eat, if you can’t tell, I am eating a lot these days. Still not fat, but I gained a ton compared to where I was. Not sure I can afford this place.” Stryker smiled.

“On the house, of course. Come on in, I’ll get you a quiet table. What do you feel like eating?”

“Chef’s choice. I missed your cooking so much, I don’t care what it is as long as you made it I know it will taste great.” Stryker said.

“All right, I’ll have someone take your drink order shortly. I’ll come sit with you in a little bit, but if you want to taste my cooking again, I gotta disappear and make that happen.”

Sophie hurried off.

Windenburg
Hayes Residence
A few hours later

The kids were all finally asleep, except for Spencer who had run off after yelling unflattering things at his father, barricaded himself in his room with music blaring.

Sophie had decided to leave him be, but the other four kids had been surprisingly willing to approach and spend some time with their father, each at different stages of hesitant curiosity and mild aloofness.

But they all talked with him, asked inconvenient questions which Stryker patiently answered, then even hugged him, without being told to.

They watched a kids’ movie together, then Sophie and Stryker put the four youngest children to bed. Together. It felt strange to everyone, yet also very familiar.

After shutting the last door behind them, Sophie pulled Stryker back downstairs with her.

“Are you seeing anyone? You are so beautiful, Sophie.” he said.

“Umm … not a conversation I am ready to have with you. And I have a mirror. Between remodeling this house, it’s still far from done, building up a restaurant from scratch and dealing with five kids after a bitter divorce, I know I look a lot of things, except beautiful. I top out at presentable these days and that is fine by me. But thanks for trying.” Sophie told him, turning her face from his hand touching it.

“You accomplished all this, you are literally glowing, and you still don’t see how amazing you are. I stand by what I said. You are beautiful. Inside and out.” Stryker said, his tone sincere.

“All that sweet talk, but it’s wasted on me. All I can think is: Alycia. Knowing you told her the same things, and did things with her that we used to do and … Urgh.”

“Soph, I explained that! I never had any feelings for her, and I never told her I did either. And we both know she never loved me. It wasn’t even sexual, not this time. It was just the … drugs. She had them and gave them to me for free when I had run out of money, cos she hates being alone too. She ran everyone else off, even her own daughter isn’t living with her. Just some white trash doing drugs together for old times’ sake. Yeah.”

“You were NAKED, Stryker. She was NAKED. I will NEVER forget that scene. It is burned into my memory. I still wake up at night because of nightmares reliving that scene. Literally anything else I could forgive you for, but that …”

“Soph I wasn’t doing her! I wasn’t touching her. We took off the clothes because of a bad trip. It was like we were burning up, like a fever or something, I felt like I had hot lava running in my veins. Hard to explain to someone who’s never done drugs. It feels real to you and even total nonsense makes sense when you’re that high. There was nothing sexual about that scene you saw. She was naked cos she took a cold shower. I was naked cos I thought I was burning up from the inside. I swear it.”

“Stryker, come on now. I know you well enough to know that you have a very high sex drive. And I also know that I was not giving you what you needed often enough, not for months before it all came crashing down. And then you want to tell me you would be alone in a hotel room with a naked chick who used to be your girlfriend for years before you and I ever even met, and nothing happened? Come on, I know I am gullible and naive, but not even I could be convinced to believe that.”

“Sophie, it is the truth! I swear it is! I tried to tell you at Nick’s law firm that I am broken. I was broken then too. I do not like admitting it, not like I could still fool anyone into thinking I was worth a dime, but I don’t function anymore the way I used to. There is no drive at the moment and even if there were, I can’t act on it, nothing works as it should. You can lock me in a room with ten of the hottest chicks you can find, douse them in pheromones and they will all remain untouched. And yes, even I can appreciate the irony of that. What goes around. I went around too much and now nothing goes anymore.”

“You swear it? Nothing happened with her? Ever?”

“I swear it. Not since you and I have been married. Or after. Not her, not anyone else since the last time you know about. This wasn’t about sex. You and I, we didn’t do it even before we split because I had already fallen off the bandwagon and wasn’t really able to anyway, physically and psychological, from all the guilt. You know if I had wanted to, I would have been pushy AF. I didn’t push, cos … I felt guilty before I slid back into that abyss, but even more so after I had that ‘one‘ drink here, and that ‘one‘ snort there. Cos it never stops at one. I knew it even then and I felt like a guy sliding down a hole with slick sides. The harder I tried to stop from sliding deeper, the faster down it went, till I just gave up. This was never about you or not wanting you. You were the only reason all this didn’t happen sooner. I tried to fight it, because of you, but lost anyway.”

“Stryker, why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t I see the signs? I feel like we could have stopped it all from happening, had you only given me a sign. I would have been rough, but nothing like this. This, all this, could have been avoided had to told me instead of shutting me out.”

“I am gonna be as honest with you Sophie as I can, cos I don’t want to lie anymore. The thought process of an addict is never logical. By the time I realized what I had gotten myself into again, I was already in too deep, and I didn’t want to tell you cos I was convinced you’d be better off without me. Looks like I wasn’t even wrong. Look at all this. I look at this house and your restaurant, I see you in every detail. I made you miserable from day one, I see that now, clear as day. I have a lot of time to think about everything out on Jackson’s ranch, and finally I have the clarity for that as well. My mind was always so blurry, I feel like I see everything clearly for the very first time in my entire life, unfortunately all I see is rubble cos I blindly destroyed everything, hurting the people I wanted to protect the most. I often wished when I wiped out on that motorcycle all those years ago, drunk and drugged, I would have just died and not dragged myself on that riverbank by your house for you to find me. I fell in love with you right away but was too stupid to know it. I told you at Nick’s law firm, I didn’t know what love felt like then, or I swear I would have run, cos I know how everything always ends the moment I get involved. Meeting you was the beginning of the end for us, the moment I set foot into your house for the first time and you patched me up, so sweet, so gentle with me I had already begun to ruin your life. You fed me. All those things I never had, but always wanted. As a thanks I ruined your life and that of our kids. And yet I sit here telling you all this, still hoping to win you back. I make no sense. Still. So much for clarity.”

“Unlike you, I don’t believe that. I don’t think in extremes, nor do I think you are a bad omen that befalls everyone you get close to. You’re an addict, and that was what they told us could happen. And it did. And we all missed the signs. Like you I had a lot of time to think, and the clarity, I am not loving where it all ended, and the rough way we took to get here, but you gave me things I would have never had without you. Had I not found you, I would not have a child now, let alone five amazing babies. I know me, Stryker, I don’t go out and date. The kids are my life, Stryker, they are EVERYTHING to me. Without you I wouldn’t have a house like this or a restaurant. Cos nobody ever pushed me. You pushed me, not really in a good way, but I was able to do all this because you left me no choice than to be brave and strong. You gave me confidence in myself, because I had my back against the wall behind me and was staring down into an abyss in front of me. I had to take a leap of faith to save my kids … our kids … and myself. And look. I come home to this house, and I know I did this. I. Little old shy wallflower Sophie, who never had any friends in school, who never had the good grades or amazing skills like her siblings. But I did it. I go to work now, and I look at something I created. My employees all tell me they love working for me and with me, even though we all had to put in a lot of hard work and sweat to get this thing going and will for a while until we are truly established. Cooking for people is something I always wanted to do and something I am actually really good at. I have already started turning profit, not much, but the number no longer has a minus in front of it, way ahead of projection and it even impressed Esmée. I didn’t think ANYONE or anything could impress her, let alone me. She looks over my finances and tells me how proud she is. Ezzy has NEVER said that to any of us. Not even Silas and he is the goddamn mayor of this town! Her daughter is so smart, she skipped ahead two semesters in med school and Ezzy didn’t say much about it. And in a very strange way I have you to thank for this. So, maybe other women would be more upset, and I am upset, still, but I also feel like I should thank you, in a weird way.”

“Are you dating?”

“Why do you keep asking me that? Does it really matter?”

“I think you know why. Despite all I know, all I said, there is a small part inside of me, underneath all the self-loathing and disgust with myself, the disappointment in myself, where there is a gleam of hope that I could make the impossible possible one last time and win you back. Just one last chance for me to prove you that you were the only woman I ever truly loved. Even counting my own mother.”

“Speaking of, she has asked about you.”

“I don’t care Soph. When I was down and done, it wasn’t her who helped me, it was you, even after everything I put you through. YOU. Always you. You have seen it happen several times now, she’s never helped me, you know I am not lying. My mother did what she always has done. Whenever I REALLY needed her, she just watched me burn. When I was young and started all this addiction crap, she could have saved me, maybe. We’ll never know, cos she never tried. She was disgusted by me. I was a stain on her white vest, so she just looked the other way. I alienated the few friends I still had. All I have right now is Connor and Jackson … and a tiny gleam of hope. I know I should let you be, let you find new happiness, but I am not that kind of man. I can’t let you go completely. I just can’t let go of that tiny gleam of hope. I will die trying for my final chance.”

“You have the kids. You saw four little hearts and souls forgive you tonight, and embrace their daddy back. That is big, Stryker, huge even. Make it count, don’t take it for granted. Spencer will come around. He misses you the most, I think, and if you can prove to him you can be relied on again, he will give you that chance. I see the other side of him still. He is so much like you. And he looks like you. Except, your hair. Did you color it?” Sophie wondered, making Stryker smile briefly, before he shook his head.

“Thank you, means a lot. The hair, no I didn’t color it, it’s the meds. Once I can get off some of them again, it might grow back the old color. Or gray, who knows, but guess for now I am kind of a redhead, at least our red-headed daughter likes it. Phoenix was into it, even pet my hair. It’s been so long since I have last been touched by anyone but Connor, and I am grateful for him, but he’s just not my type. Joking aside, I mean it Soph. Not empty words, and I have a new clarity now. I want this. I need this. But above all, I need you. I do.”

“Give me time, Stryker. But don’t let that tiny gleam burn out. I know I shouldn’t tell you this, but I am nurturing my own tiny gleam of hope for us. Everyone tells me I should move on, give up on you, but they don’t know you like I do. I can’t help it, cos deep inside I know you didn’t do all that maliciously and carelessly, but because you are sick, and we all missed the signs. That tiny gleam is buried deep beneath all the rubble you left me with, but it’s still there. I need time. A LOT more time. We need to fix the kids first. They are my priority, and they should be yours, too. To be honest, this meeting went a lot better than I dared hope. 4 of the 5 kinda came around, maybe flinging your visit at them like we did was better than scheduling and planning it. But you need to be present in all their lives now again. You needed the break to heal, now you need to come back and be visible for them. Don’t become your mother, don’t give up trying, especially with Spencer. He is like I always thought you were when you were his age, from all you told me. When I am alone with him, he is the sweetest boy, just like he always was. He is so gentle, caring, protective and sweet with his younger siblings. But he’s also defensive, afraid of getting hurt again, he is that dog that just snaps at everyone, even those trying to help, because he is scared to get hurt again.”

“I never thought about it that way. I have become my mother. And my father. The two people I despise the most in life, along with Alycia. Bet I am just like her too.”

“Stop this, Stryker, you are NOT them, and it’s counterproductive. I am obviously willing to work with you here, but I can’t have you talk crazy around the kids. Your mother has been around, she sees the kids frequently, they don’t know about your mommy issues, to them she is grandma and I need that to remain that way. You have regrets, so do I, I am sure she does, none of us have a wayback machine, so the only way is forward. Redirect your energy from hating yourself to loving our kids, like I did. You can come and visit us again. Whenever you like, Connor’s schedule allowing. I am not always home, because of the restaurant, so please let me know when you want to come and I will try my best to work that in. We have a guest room, I am even willing to let you stay for a few days, so you can be part of their schedule again, rather than the Sunday afternoon kind of dad.”

“I’d like that, coming back, I’d like that very much. Thank you, Soph.'”

“Yeah. I’d offer you a tour of the house, but it’s dark already and you really look tired. My room actually is downstairs, just down that little hallway there, and has a little private patio … I feel like Juliet on her famous balcony … well, except the fact that mine is ground level. But if you close your eyes, it’s a balcony. Wanna see? I decorated it myself and picked all the colors and furniture and am pretty proud, but ran out of people to show it to.”

“Hell yeah I wanna see it! I know I will never be able to scale anything higher than a stepladder every again, but maybe one day I’ll just climb your balcony, Juliet oh Juliet, and visit your bed chambers secretly …” Stryker wiggled his eyebrows, making Sophie laugh.

“Oh Stryker … didn’t you just tell me you can’t do things in bedrooms? So why even bother? Just use the front door.” she said, while they already reached the bedroom door, which she opened now, flipping on the light.

“A man can dream, right? Dreams are all I have left at this point. Plus, I’d give my right arm to hold you again. All night, like we used to. We did have good times, didn’t we? I miss that. All that. The warmth, and I don’t even mean the temperature. My life feels so cold now.”

“I know what you mean. We had a lot of good times. Great times. But reign in your horses, Romeo, no climbing anything anytime soon. There are some pesky hornets who keep rebuilding a nest on the side of the balcony no matter how much I have it taken down. So, no funny business or you’d be back in the hospital! Those things are mean! Poor Connell was running when he thought him being a big bad vampire meant they wouldn’t really affect him. He was wrong.” she giggled.

“Oh. How unromantic. But at least you didn’t say no …”

“No, I didn’t say no. I am just saying not right now. I miss you Stryker. You are the kind of man who let me be the kind of woman, the kind of mother I always wanted to be. We all need a lot more time, Stryker. I thought about dating, cos you are not the only one who feels VERY lonely and cold, even on a warm day. I am so frigging lonely that I am now that woman who hugs her sisters’ husbands way too long when we all meet up. And poor Connor earlier, probably thought I was coming onto him too. You know, the creepy kinda full lean in hugs. At least I finally don’t start full on sobbing anymore, like I used to. Yeah, that’s me. I know the kids couldn’t handle a new man. Nor could I. And I don’t want another man! Plus, I have never been the type who flirts or dates, not even when I was young and full of hopes and dreams, I am not even gonna attempt it now, not to mention that an indebted wallflower in her mid-thirties with 5 children scarred by a nasty divorce just strangely isn’t at the top of most wish lists anyway.”

“Because those idiots don’t know what they are missing out on. Then again, this idiot had it all and let it slip through his fingers. Well, I just know Connor is going to be here any moment now, so before I start showing you again what kind of a strong man I am not by falling apart crying, which I have admittedly done a lot, I better change the topic. Thank you for coming out to talk to me at the restaurant. Sorry I told your employee I was your husband, but thought if I said ex-husband it might sound like some relationship drama and I’d get benched for sure. And thank you for inviting me to your home, I loved seeing your place and the kids. And you. But that’s the curse of an addict, we can’t just be happy with what we have, we always want more. Cos now I want even more. It all seems so close, within my reach, when I know it really isn’t.”

“Well, it’s not as far out of your reach as you seem to think either …”

Sophie looked at him for a moment, then stepped towards him and kissed him.

Stryker’s knees buckled from the unexpected affectionate gesture, but he fought the weakness and put all he had into that kiss.

“What the actual fuck!?” sounded a young voice from the door.

“Spencer.” Sophie exclaimed.

“You’re kidding me, mom!? He’s STILL here? In your bedroom?! And you are letting him stick that nasty, mangy tongue down your throat again already and who knows what else!? If he is moving back in, I am moving out!” he roared.

“Spencer …” Sophie stepped towards him, but he put up his hands defensively, glaring at his father.

“I hate you! HATE YOU so much! You should have DIED! I wish you had!” he yelled, then turned and ran up to his room, slamming the door so hard it clinked the glasses in the kitchen downstairs.

“Yeah, that’s why we need to take things REALLY slow.” Sophie told Stryker, who looked absolutely shocked.

This was when there was a knock on the window.

Connor.
To pick up Stryker.